Today is #sixsunday where writers share six sentences from their work. Today I’m sharing sentences of my new novel, STEAM ME UP, RAWLEY. I finished the rough draft only last month ago, so this is pretty rough. It’ll probably get revised a ton, but this will give you a rough idea.

This is a steampunk romance set in 1890 Mobile, Alabama, and a loose sequel to MUST LOVE BREECHES. Last week we saw her fantasize about the destruction of her boss’ office by her monkey Loki. Afterwards, she is in her backyard reliving and embellishing on that day dream, when a hot air balloon invades her dream, piloted by a black-haired, blue-eyed man. (See this post that wasn’t part of SixSunday for an excerpt) The balloon is real, and she chastises herself for using such a description for his eyes as “blue blue” and tries to come up with the right description while she watches him try to land. Last week he asked if she was of any use. I’m skipping the part where she admonishes him that he’s doing splendidly, all he needs to do is land. She continues to watch him:

He wore no coat! How scandalous. Adele grinned. She watched the muscles bunch and flex under his shirtsleeves.

He had on a light gray waistcoat, its top button undone. His cravat was all to pieces, flapping around his neck–No–Sailing away now in the light breeze.

As always I welcome constructive feedback. Thank you!

To see snippets from others who are participating or to sign up yourself, visit here.

Thank you to everyone who comes by and comments each week! 

  1. I wish I had something constructive to say, but all I have is praise. Adele’s a great character to read. I love her reactions and your portrayal of her world. Always happy stopping by here. :)

  2. Monica Enderle Pierce

    What could possibly be better than a scandalous, blue-eyed man dropping-ish from the sky? One with a little bit of attitude, of course. I love how you make history your own, Angela. And I wanna meet this man. 😀

  3. This is great. I could envision it. If you’d like to tighten it… to really grab the reader and draw them in… remove the very subtle “tell”. It’s not for every writer, but it can really help suck the reader in your story.

    He wore no coat! How scandalous. His muscles bunched and flexed under his shirtsleeves. Adele grinned.

    On this one… if you can find a way to say this without “he had on a” it would be stronger too…

    He had on a light gray waistcoat, its top button undone. His cravat was all to pieces, flapping around his neck–No–Sailing away now in the light breeze.

    That change would be a touch harder, though.

    Lke I said… great as is, but remove that subtle tell to really pack a punch.

    Good stuff! Good luck with it!

  4. You manage to reveal a lot of both characters with these few lines. Adele’s reaction to something considered scandalous is telling. At first I questioned whether a woman of the time would allow herself to look at a man’s physique so pointedly, but she just showed she approves of scandal, so that works.

    To continue what Jennifer suggested, perhaps you can change the second paragraph to “The top button of his light gray waistcoat was undone.” Feels a little wordy, but maybe you can work with it.

    And now I’m wondering why am I not doing Six Sentence Sunday???

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