Six Sentence Sunday – 8/26/12

Today is #sixsunday where writers share six sentences from their work. 

NEWS: MUST LOVE BREECHES finaled in Utah’s Heart of the West contest over the weekend!

Also, I will not be around next Sunday as I’ll be in Atlanta for Dragon*Con. Hopefully. Tropical Storm Isaac is making this iffy (I live in Mobile which is inside the warning cone). If I’m not, it’ll mean it’s hit us and I probably won’t have power, so will miss y’all anyway! I’m going to try and visit everyone in the early a.m., as I need to spend most of today preparing for possible Hurricane Isaac. Keep everyone on the Gulf Coast in your prayers this coming week…

Today’s Six Sunday is from STEAM ME UP, RAWLEY, my steampunk romance set in Mobile, AL. This skips to the next chapter, when everyone, including the new boarder Dr. Rawley, is sitting down to dinner. They’ve been eating and talking away for a bit when this happens (Robert is the heroine’s brother):

A metal clanking noise sounded in the hall, and Walter, their automaton butler pushed through the double doors.

“Breakfast is served,” its tinny but serious voice incorrectly intoned.

Her mother groaned. “Robert, can you please see to Walter? This is getting old.”

Robert stood quickly.

As always I welcome constructive feedback. I’m not sure I have the timing down right to make it clear what the butler did wrong, so any suggestions for improvement is welcome! Thank you!

To see snippets from others who are participating or to sign up yourself, visit here.

Thank you to everyone who comes by and comments each week! 

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38 Comments

  1. An automaton butler, I really need to get one of those. Does it wash dishes and vacuum? Congrats on the contest, that’s a fantastic achievement. Have fun at Dragon-con. Good luck with the storm.

    Reply
  2. Jessica Subject

     /  August 26, 2012

    Nice six!

    And I hope the tropical storm misses you. All the best!

    Reply
  3. I want an automaton butler! Jealous you’re going to DragonCon. Hope the storm misses you.

    Reply
  4. Congratulations on Must Love Breeches! That’s terrific, Angela!

    And, as usual, great six—it’s so difficult to find correctly intoned help these days . . . :)

    Reply
    • Dang, I’m not getting it across right. It’s not the tone itself, but the fact that he says breakfast and not dinner and is a bit late… *back to the drawing board*

      Reply
  5. Cute six, Angela. Sounds funny.

    Reply
  6. Fun and creative. I like the world you’ve created. Congrats on the finals & have fun at the conference. Hope Isaac doesn’t pay you a visit.

    Reply
  7. I understood why he was wrong, Angela. Great six as always!

    Reply
  8. First off, major congrats on the final! Second, stay safe and hopefuly Issac will be all bluff and now bite. Thirdly… Loved the six!

    Reply
  9. I’d love a robot butler!

    Congratulations on your final. I hope the storm misses you.

    Reply
  10. What a hoot! Another great side character, it seems! Truly enjoyable six!

    Reply
  11. Congrats on the final – that’s awesome, and I hope the storm swerves away from you!
    One thing – should the butler be referred to as “he” rather than “it,” as he’s called Walter? Not incorrect by any means, just a thought x

    Reply
  12. You just can’t find good help these days, lol! Love this six :)

    Reply
  13. Kate Meader

     /  August 26, 2012

    Congrats on your final, Angela. You’re really racking them up. Now to your six – great fun, as usual and I completely got Walter’s error. I do have a suggestion: perhaps change “intoned” to “announced.” That way, it might be clearer that his announcement was incorrect. You tell us in the lead-in that they’re sitting down to dinner, so as long as that’s clear and not too far removed from this exchange, then the joke should work.

    Reply
  14. daezarkian

     /  August 26, 2012

    Poor Walter. ;D Great Six!

    Reply
  15. I wish I had a Walter in my house. :)

    Reply
  16. Karen Michelle Nutt

     /  August 26, 2012

    An automaton butler. I want one and I don’t care if he serves me breakfast at dinner time. lol

    Reply
  17. Yeah, I’m not quite sure what the butler did wrong here. Maybe you can punctuate it differently to show that something is wrong?

    Hope the storm misses you!

    Reply
  18. You always nail these scenes, Angela. The dialogue works well and the characters are fun. I agree with Kate’s suggestion of using Water’s announcement closer to the mention of dinner so his mistake comes through right away. Other than that, it’s terrific and great fun! Stay safe, hope the storm misses! Congrats on the contest win!

    Reply
  19. Monica Enderle Pierce

     /  August 26, 2012

    I think, out of context, this may be confusing, but within the scene the reader will know they’re eating dinner, so the error should be clear. (And I love the mother’s voice, but maybe a gesture to show her disgust/dispair?)

    And congrats! You’re just raking in the awards this year!

    Reply
  20. Yay for the final :-) Have fun in Atlanta :-)

    Reply
  21. Congrats on another final for Must Love Breeches. You just keep racking up the accolades! Also, stay safe down there. I have a friend in southern Alabama and another in Florida. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Regarding the six, I didn’t immediately pick up on the breakfast reference (as opposed to dinner) but more than likely I would have, had I read this within the context of the surrounding scene. I’m not sure you need to correct anything. In the flow of the story and the scene, it probably works fine.

    Reply
  22. I’m with Kate. If you said “announced” and maybe even followed it up with a little extra information, it would clear that right up. “…its tinny but serious voice incorrectly announced, the evening drawing ever nearer.” Or you know…something better, but in that fashion. :) Even having missed that being your purpose, still an excellent snippet. Congrats on BREECHES being finaled!

    Reply
  23. Congrats on finaling!!

    The snippet’s a fun interlude I think, but I could tell better in context. You did tell us that the characters sat down to dinner so as long as that’s clear in the story, I’m sure readers will understand Walter’s mistake.

    The only thing that made me pause was the repetition of “INcorrectly INtoned” but that’s pretty minor.

    Stay safe. You know I’ll be praying for you and everybody in Isaac’s way.

    Reply
  24. I think the context would make it clear. Perhaps Dr. Rawley, being new to the butler, could react? Congratulations on the final.

    Reply
  25. Love the description of his voice. I could TOTALLY hear it in my head! Well done!

    Reply
  26. Love the idea of an automaton butler who (which?) gets things wrong!

    Reply
  27. Stay safe!
    I was a little confused about what the robo-butler had done wrong. Maybe Mom can reference it actually being dinner when she speaks to Robert? Then again, maybe this would be clearer with more context.

    Reply
  28. Congratulations on another final! Personally I like having breakfast for dinner. But I can see how Walter’s mix-up would be irritating if they’re having regular dinner food.

    Reply
  29. I’ll admit I had to read replies before I understood what the butler did wrong. But..I’ve always been on the slow side, getting things like that. I probably would have gotten it sooner or later. lol Great six.

    Reply
  30. Carrie Crain

     /  August 26, 2012

    Be safe! You should have a plan in place in case Isaac hits. Poor Walter the butler. ): They’re not going to… ya know… sell him for scrapes? God no! >> Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. It’s all food. LOL!

    Reply
  31. I’m with the rest, if you’ve set it up in the previous lines then it’ll be fine. If you’re worried you could always pop ‘…interrupting their evening meal.’ At the end of a sentence to make it obvious. Have a great time at the convention! Great 6!

    Reply
  32. Congrats on being a finalist again! You are doing so great! And I’ve got my fingers crossed that Isaac misses you. We got walloped by Irene this time last year, and it was not at all fun. :( I think this is a fun six, and I think Walter’s faux pas will be clearer when the whole scene is being read, since they’ll be eating dinner and THEN he comes in and announces breakfast. LOL

    Reply
  33. Yeah, you might want to revisit that bit. I had to reread the earlier text to see she was eating dinner. Maybe mentioning what she’s eating would make it clearer. Congratulations on the contest and hold on if Isaac gets too close.

    Reply
  34. Yeah for more love for Must Love Breeches!! :) Congratulations. Love the mixed up robot, Personally, I get more my days mixed up, than time of day, but I know how it feels, lol. You made me smile on a very tired Monday morning after a marathon family/friend party here yesterday. Thank You :)

    Reply
  35. This is nice. I’d like to see more so I can get more of a feeling for the scene, but nicely done overall. I hope Isaac doesn’t do any damage to you either. I live near Tampa, so I’m feeling the effects. Have fun in Atlanta.

    Reply
  36. Congrats! And where can I get a Walter? Hope the storm gave you enough of a miss and you’re living it up at the con!

    Reply

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