Six Sentence Sunday – 6/3/12

Today is #sixsunday where writers share six sentences from their work. I’m eager to share lines from my new short story BEER AND GROPING IN LAS VEGAS.

The working blurb: Riley McGregor is a geek trapped in a Good Ole Boy body and as owner of a microbrewery, he’s just not meeting his type. Smart chicks never look at him twice. He’d like to find someone who appreciates him for who he truly is. Rejected by a geek who wanted to “trade up,” Mirjam Linna has lost herself in her work as a computer programmer. Her sister sets her up on this blind date as an intervention, but Mirjam wants nothing to do with it. She’ll say thanks, but no thanks, and see what’s on late night on the SyFy channel. But when they meet, they are surprised to find they had a shared connection in their past. Sparks fly as these two learn to be in the moment, be themselves and find love.

Riley met his blind date for the night. Fast forward past dinner, and things have gotten serious, fast. They are now up in their room out on the balcony. He’s gone inside to get another round of beers (in her POV):

She took in the multicolored lights of the city, let the crisp night air wash over her, and reveled in being in this moment and feeling it. Lord, how numb she’d let herself become. Like a ghost limb that had fallen asleep and suddenly tingled with awareness.

The sound of the French doors closing and his footsteps signaled the next part of this moment. She smiled. Anticipating his body beside hers again, a thrill went up her spine when his hard, masculine presence hovered behind her instead.

As always I welcome constructive feedback. Thank you!

To see snippets from others who are participating or to sign up yourself, visit here.

Thank you to everyone who comes by and comments each week! 

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49 Comments

  1. It’s a lovely, very clear moment in time. Great job. :)

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  2. Good six. Quite atmospheric and humming with tension.

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  3. This is such a delightful story. I like the “ghost limb” description, and how she’s starting to feel alive. :)

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  4. Nice snapshot of the moment, describing her anticipation of what (she hopes) is to come. Great six!

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  5. Jessica Subject

     /  June 3, 2012

    I got the chills from that six. The good kind Well done! :)

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  6. Very nicely done.

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  7. Hey Angela. Might I make a comment? I always thought “ghost limb” referred to a limb that had been removed so it threw me a bit here. But I love the comparison to a limb tingling with re-awakening, that’s a great metaphor :)

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  8. Love these two. Great chemistry here, the sexual tension just hangs in the air. Hot six!

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  9. Hi Angela :) Another great snippet here. Keep them coming!

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  10. Very nice six, Angela! Great insight into her character. Next week, back to the groping part? ;)

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  11. Great description of what she’s feeling…can’t wait to see what happens when he comes back. And you’ve done well to capture the image, considering it’s a short story. I want to write a short story myself, and could use some insights.

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  12. That is very nicely done! I can feel him there too.

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  13. Very nice six! I love your descriptions of Mirjam’s thoughts.

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  14. You had me at “a geek trapped in a Good Ol’ Boy body!” What an image! Love the premise for this and I enjoyed the way you set this scene. Nice bit of writing here. :)

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  15. The anticipation here is lovely. Well done.

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  16. This snippet, as well as your intro of the characters, makes me want to get to know them. There’s always some unexpected facet that makes them real people living their lives, rather than mere cutouts walking through a prearranged plot. (And that’s a tricky thing to manage, in a genre that depends so strongly on expectations about plot and character.) Writing great genre fiction is like playing great jazz: you recognize the standard, while appreciating the original take on it.

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  17. *Ahem* THEIR room? Like, hotel room?? Fast forward, indeed, LOL! Your description is superb and it sets the mood perfectly for what HER mood is at the moment. Great six!!

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  18. I like them, enjoyed the description – “ghost limb” was great simile – terrific six!

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  19. LOL – nice scene – hope wasn’t changed from the original

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  20. Arlene Hittle

     /  June 3, 2012

    Love that “ghost limb” comparison. Great six.

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  21. I love how you have her waking up after years of internal shut-down. How she’s finally willing to open up again. Hopefully he’ll make it worth her while. ;)

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  22. Jennifer Lowery

     /  June 3, 2012

    Ooh, great six! Can feel her emotions!

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  23. I really like the presmise of this story, especially that he’s a geek in a hunk’s body! Cool six. I loved the multi-colored lights of the city and the crisp air. Dropped me right in the scene. Well done, as always, Angela.

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  24. Monica Enderle Pierce

     /  June 3, 2012

    LOVE how you move from her awareness of herself to awareness of him. Very sensual moment and no one’s lost any clothes (yet).

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  25. Spot on six. I could feel her emotions and that’s smacks of great writing. Can’t wait for next week–where is this night going to take them?

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  26. Nice six! I love the transition from really FEELING where she is to feeling him come up behind her.

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  27. First, the opening line of your pitch had me giggling. Kudos. Second, I love the vividness of your second line. Nice job.

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  28. This is great, Angela. The only bit that sticks out for me is ‘the next part of this moment’ that’s one long moment. Would you consider simply the next moment? Keep it coming, it’s very enjoyable reading.

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  29. Awesome six. Loved every word of it.

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  30. Like hearing her pov and am now anticipating his. Nice description and set up!

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  31. Gem

     /  June 3, 2012

    Reinforcing my belief that the right someone is out there if you just look. Great six!

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  32. That’s great, Angela. Love the ghost limb line! Wonderful writing.

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  33. Nice writing. Love the mystery of his stopping behind her.

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  34. Loved the anticipation building. Nice job!

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  35. I shivered, totally. Really great moment!

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  36. Nice. Pulled me straight into the moment with her. Great six!

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  37. It’s lovely the way you make me want to linger over every word the way she is lingering in the moment. Nicely done!

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  38. blackmanjm

     /  June 3, 2012

    You’ve described a beautiful moment. Great details. The sensory descriptions are spot on–the lights, the air, the sound of the doors and his footsteps: really put me there. And it was a good place to be.

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  39. I love your description of Riley, “…a geek trapped in a Good Ol’ Boy body…” That is just brilliant!

    “…suddenly tingled with awareness…” Reawakening. Nicely written, Angela! I felt a sense of joy for her. :-)

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  40. Great sense of anticipation, look forward to more of this.

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  41. Still trying to get a mental picture of a geek in a good ol’ boy’s body. :-) Also I agree with Marcia regarding the ghost limb but I really liked the way you phrased her realisation that she’d become numb. That really conveyed the sense of anticipation when the doors opened.

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  42. Love the premise of this story. Wonderful scene.

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  43. Love the imagery of the ghost limb falling asleep!

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  44. Great combination of imagery and emotion, and such a perfect scene to be seeing and feeling! ;-)

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  45. The analogy about the ghost limb is very unusual but works perfectly. Lovely six.

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  46. Oh! I tingled too. LOL. Great six. I love the ghost limb reference too.

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  47. siobhanmuir

     /  June 5, 2012

    Good six, Angela. It might bring the reader more into the scene if you name the feelings she’s experiencing, especially since she’d felt numb before. Great description of her anticipation. :)

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