Today is #sixsunday where writers share six sentences from their work. I’m eager to share lines from my new short story BEER AND GROPING IN LAS VEGAS.
The working blurb: Riley McGregor is a geek trapped in a Good Ole Boy body and as owner of a microbrewery, he’s just not meeting his type. Smart chicks never look at him twice. He’d like to find someone who appreciates him for who he truly is. Rejected by a geek who wanted to “trade up,” Mirjam Linna has lost herself in her work as a computer programmer. Her sister sets her up on this blind date as an intervention, but Mirjam wants nothing to do with it. She’ll say thanks, but no thanks, and see what’s on late night on the SyFy channel. But when they meet, they are surprised to find they had a shared connection in their past. Sparks fly as these two learn to be in the moment, be themselves and find love.
Riley met his blind date for the night. Fast forward past dinner, and things have gotten serious, fast. They are now up in their room out on the balcony. He’s gone inside to get another round of beers (in her POV):
She took in the multicolored lights of the city, let the crisp night air wash over her, and reveled in being in this moment and feeling it. Lord, how numb she’d let herself become. Like a ghost limb that had fallen asleep and suddenly tingled with awareness.
The sound of the French doors closing and his footsteps signaled the next part of this moment. She smiled. Anticipating his body beside hers again, a thrill went up her spine when his hard, masculine presence hovered behind her instead.
As always I welcome constructive feedback. Thank you!
To see snippets from others who are participating or to sign up yourself, visit here.
Thank you to everyone who comes by and comments each week!
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wendysrusso
/ June 3, 2012It’s a lovely, very clear moment in time. Great job.
Kate
/ June 3, 2012Good six. Quite atmospheric and humming with tension.
Donna Cummings
/ June 3, 2012This is such a delightful story. I like the “ghost limb” description, and how she’s starting to feel alive.
Linda Morris (@LMorrisWriter)
/ June 3, 2012Nice snapshot of the moment, describing her anticipation of what (she hopes) is to come. Great six!
Jessica Subject
/ June 3, 2012I got the chills from that six. The good kind Well done!
ellaquinnauthor
/ June 3, 2012Very nicely done.
Owllady/Marcia
/ June 3, 2012Hey Angela. Might I make a comment? I always thought “ghost limb” referred to a limb that had been removed so it threw me a bit here. But I love the comparison to a limb tingling with re-awakening, that’s a great metaphor
Angela Quarles
/ June 3, 2012Good point! Thanks!
Sadie Hart
/ June 3, 2012Love these two. Great chemistry here, the sexual tension just hangs in the air. Hot six!
Karla Doyle
/ June 3, 2012Hi Angela
Another great snippet here. Keep them coming!
Kate Meader (@KittyMeader)
/ June 3, 2012Very nice six, Angela! Great insight into her character. Next week, back to the groping part?
Frank Fisher
/ June 3, 2012Great description of what she’s feeling…can’t wait to see what happens when he comes back. And you’ve done well to capture the image, considering it’s a short story. I want to write a short story myself, and could use some insights.
Lisa Fox
/ June 3, 2012That is very nicely done! I can feel him there too.
Carrie-Anne
/ June 3, 2012Very nice six! I love your descriptions of Mirjam’s thoughts.
Silver James
/ June 3, 2012You had me at “a geek trapped in a Good Ol’ Boy body!” What an image! Love the premise for this and I enjoyed the way you set this scene. Nice bit of writing here.
S. J. Maylee
/ June 3, 2012The anticipation here is lovely. Well done.
epbeaumont
/ June 3, 2012This snippet, as well as your intro of the characters, makes me want to get to know them. There’s always some unexpected facet that makes them real people living their lives, rather than mere cutouts walking through a prearranged plot. (And that’s a tricky thing to manage, in a genre that depends so strongly on expectations about plot and character.) Writing great genre fiction is like playing great jazz: you recognize the standard, while appreciating the original take on it.
K.E. Saxon
/ June 3, 2012*Ahem* THEIR room? Like, hotel room?? Fast forward, indeed, LOL! Your description is superb and it sets the mood perfectly for what HER mood is at the moment. Great six!!
veronicascott
/ June 3, 2012I like them, enjoyed the description – “ghost limb” was great simile – terrific six!
Sue
/ June 3, 2012LOL – nice scene – hope wasn’t changed from the original
Arlene Hittle
/ June 3, 2012Love that “ghost limb” comparison. Great six.
Candice Bundy
/ June 3, 2012I love how you have her waking up after years of internal shut-down. How she’s finally willing to open up again. Hopefully he’ll make it worth her while.
Jennifer Lowery
/ June 3, 2012Ooh, great six! Can feel her emotions!
Mae Clair
/ June 3, 2012I really like the presmise of this story, especially that he’s a geek in a hunk’s body! Cool six. I loved the multi-colored lights of the city and the crisp air. Dropped me right in the scene. Well done, as always, Angela.
Monica Enderle Pierce
/ June 3, 2012LOVE how you move from her awareness of herself to awareness of him. Very sensual moment and no one’s lost any clothes (yet).
Lea
/ June 3, 2012Spot on six. I could feel her emotions and that’s smacks of great writing. Can’t wait for next week–where is this night going to take them?
Ruth
/ June 3, 2012Nice six! I love the transition from really FEELING where she is to feeling him come up behind her.
Jess Schira
/ June 3, 2012First, the opening line of your pitch had me giggling. Kudos. Second, I love the vividness of your second line. Nice job.
Catherine Johnson
/ June 3, 2012This is great, Angela. The only bit that sticks out for me is ‘the next part of this moment’ that’s one long moment. Would you consider simply the next moment? Keep it coming, it’s very enjoyable reading.
Ginger Simpson
/ June 3, 2012Awesome six. Loved every word of it.
Ryan Derham
/ June 3, 2012Like hearing her pov and am now anticipating his. Nice description and set up!
Gem
/ June 3, 2012Reinforcing my belief that the right someone is out there if you just look. Great six!
Angela Quarles
/ June 3, 2012I’m still holding out for that hope
Kylie Scott
/ June 3, 2012That’s great, Angela. Love the ghost limb line! Wonderful writing.
sueannbowlingauthor
/ June 3, 2012Nice writing. Love the mystery of his stopping behind her.
Sandra Sookoo
/ June 3, 2012Loved the anticipation building. Nice job!
sarahballance
/ June 3, 2012I shivered, totally. Really great moment!
Cherie Marks
/ June 3, 2012Nice. Pulled me straight into the moment with her. Great six!
A.S. Fenichel
/ June 3, 2012It’s lovely the way you make me want to linger over every word the way she is lingering in the moment. Nicely done!
blackmanjm
/ June 3, 2012You’ve described a beautiful moment. Great details. The sensory descriptions are spot on–the lights, the air, the sound of the doors and his footsteps: really put me there. And it was a good place to be.
Teresa Cypher
/ June 3, 2012I love your description of Riley, “…a geek trapped in a Good Ol’ Boy body…” That is just brilliant!
“…suddenly tingled with awareness…” Reawakening. Nicely written, Angela! I felt a sense of joy for her.
Paula Martin
/ June 4, 2012Great sense of anticipation, look forward to more of this.
gzidar
/ June 4, 2012Still trying to get a mental picture of a geek in a good ol’ boy’s body.
Also I agree with Marcia regarding the ghost limb but I really liked the way you phrased her realisation that she’d become numb. That really conveyed the sense of anticipation when the doors opened.
Cate Masters
/ June 4, 2012Love the premise of this story. Wonderful scene.
Writerlious
/ June 4, 2012Love the imagery of the ghost limb falling asleep!
Joyce Scarbrough
/ June 4, 2012Great combination of imagery and emotion, and such a perfect scene to be seeing and feeling!
Elin Gregory
/ June 4, 2012The analogy about the ghost limb is very unusual but works perfectly. Lovely six.
Lorraine Paton
/ June 4, 2012Oh! I tingled too. LOL. Great six. I love the ghost limb reference too.
siobhanmuir
/ June 5, 2012Good six, Angela. It might bring the reader more into the scene if you name the feelings she’s experiencing, especially since she’d felt numb before. Great description of her anticipation.